Monday, February 3, 2014

Why I Hate Southwest Airlines

I hate Southwest Airlines. I hate just about everything about them, except their "bags fly free" policy. Of that, they are the only major airline that has included the cost of shipping bags into their ticket. I applaud them for that, because it limits the amount of stuff that people take on board. Other airlines could learn from this policy, as, despite my hate for them, this policy has been the deciding factor in my airline choice because I wanted to travel with lots of stuff on a vacation, and not have my ticket price increase by $100 or more dollars. But aside from that, I hate them.

I'll start with just the annoyances, and end with why I really really really hate them.

I hate the informal way they treat their customers.
It seems to come in one of two flavors, either I'm their best buddy, or they hate my freaking guts. Either way it is never profesional.
They sing silly ditties to welcome me to cities.
They throw snacks at me.
They act like it is a HUGE deal bring something to me, even though they just asked if there was anything else they could do.
They make jokes about other airlines.
They make jokes during the safety briefing.
They generally treat me like a child.
Because of this general informality, customers think that they can get away with more than on other airlines. They fight with the people that hate their guts, and get buddy buddy with the best frienders when they do something that they shouldn't do. Like get up to go to the restroom during taxing or when the airplane is on final.
Flight attendants are much more than sky waiters. They are responsible for the safety of the passengers, and not having a professional demeanor lessens the customer's sense of authority, and makes them less likely to comply with Flight Attendant instructions.

I hate them.

I hate the way they do their boarding.
They line you up like cattle and call the number that you are in. Some unknown random computer algorithm chooses this order for them, because, with the exception of the premium customers, there is no rhyme or reason that you get placed in line where you do.

I hate them.

I HATE the way they do their seating.
Because the seating is open, there is a mad dash to the airplane door from the boarding line. There is no guarantee that you will get to sit with the people you are traveling with.
Because people get to choose their seat, the center chair is always last one to be selected. People play the "this seat's taken" game with that center chair to discourage others from sitting there. Most of the time it takes a flight attendant, acting as their best friend, or hating their guts, to force the people to give up the middle chair.
Because it is open seating people push all the way to the back to find those aisle and window seats. When they realize that there are no more window a aisle seats available they turn around and try to get back to the front to take the middle chairs. This causes a massive traffic jam, with people pushing and shoving to get back and forth in the narrow aisle.

I HATE them.

I HATE their be at the gate in 30 minutes before departure policy.
The reason I hate this one is that if your connecting flight is late, even if you are a ticked and confirmed passenger these motherfuckers will sell your seat to a standby passenger, then close the airplane door to send it on its way early.
Despite Southfuckingwest being the reason I am not at the fucking gate 30 min before departure, these assholes are more concerned with getting the plane in the air ahead of schedule than me making my flight.
And, because of their previously noted unprofessional attitudes getting on another flight, because of their fuckup is like asking them to give up Christmas. Because they treat me like a child, instead of the guy who shelled out hundreds of dollars to travel on their shitty airline, it is always assumed that I am to blame for missing the flight. So starts a fight with the desk person to the desk person's supervisor, to the customer service person, to the customer service person's supervisor before I am put on a new flight, stopping fucking Amarillo, with a fucking drink voucher for my trouble.


I HATE the way they have stops built in to their flight schedules. Sure, we can get you to Dallas from Denver! We just have to stop in fucking Amarillo Texas first.
Multiple stops means multiple places for the airplane to be delayed, and starts the vicious circle that was mentioned in the reason previous. So that they can land in Amarillo, and get to Dallas on time, they fuck you in the ass when your flight is late arriving in Amafuckingrillo so that you could make the connection to Dallas.
So, now you are sitting in the plane waiting for people to board it Amarillo. The premium passengers walk on and about shit themselves when they see they can't get the window seat in the exit row. This starts a fight with the Flight Attendants and the person sitting in the exit row seat. So, despite paying more money for the flight, the premium customer gets fucked in the ass when it comes to seating.


Most of all I HATE HATE HATE HATE the people that fly Southwest. They are the most inconsiderate assholes on the fucking planet. The flight is full, so I think I'll shove my 40 year old carry on bag in the overhead bin sideways so that no other bags can be placed in that bin. I'll also shove whatever coat or "personal" item in the overhead sucking up any additional space that might have been left. Then I will scream bloody fucking murder when someone touches said bag or other personal shit in the overhead when they come to sit in one of the two other seats. When a flight attendant says that the flight is full and that your 40 year old oversized bag must be checked, they throw a hissy fit so large it would make brattiest, most spoiled two year old take notes.
Or maybe my carry on is a FUCKING GARBAGE BAG that takes up all of the space in the overhead, because you shoved your entire wardrobe in there.

I hate that on every single Southwest flight there is at least one asshole that will start talking to the rest of the airplane for some stupid fucking reason. "I'm going to Dallas to see my baby-momma!! Wooooooooo!!!" Sit down. Nobody cares. Shut the fuck up.

Does Southwest have some weight requirement for their passengers that I am not aware of? It seems like every other person is so fat they take up their seat and half of yours. For fuck's sake STOP FUCKING EATING!! Because the cabin is filled to the brim with corpulent dickheads, 5 seconds into the flight they all start farting and generally smelling up the cabin. Not to mention the constant stream of fat morons making their way to the lavatory where they release odors that could be weaponized by North Korea.

Most of all, I absolutely fucking HATE the sense of entitlement that most Southwest passengers carry around with them. Yes, we all know you paid good money for that seat. So did everyone on the plane. Sit the fuck down and shut up. No, the seat is not too small, you are too fucking fat. Yes, we all know that the prices of drinks on airplanes are high. If they are too expensive for you, don't order one, and shut the fuck up. If the person next to you orders a drink, they don't need to hear from you about how you would never pay that much for a beer. Shut the fuck up.
I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!

So, to sum up, I hate Southwest Airlines.


MachoCo. said...

You are so TRUE!! I agree with you

Randy Tate said...

Funny and TRUE