I, George W. Bush, President of these United States of the Americas, pursuant to that pardon power thingy conferred upon me by Article II, Section 2, of that Constitution I keep hearing people go on about, have granted and by these presents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardon unto Natto Ninja — or as I like to call him, Umber Butt — for the crime of getting caught for domestic spying.
The aforementioned — not to mention the beforementioned — shall not be subject to any punishment for this crime, including a small fine, tar and feathering or waterboarding. Well, maybe a little bit of waterboarding, but just for fun, ya know? Heh heh.
Being The Decider in Chief, I have hereby used my Decidering powers to declare that Natto Ninja is a faithful devotee of liberal, amoral atheism and is, as such, a technically decent but godless citizen of this great nation. To punish this person would really anger Vice President Cheney.
In witness whereof, I have hereunto set my hand today, on January 14, in the year of our Lord 2009 — which I totally cannot believe is actually here, and I still haven't gotten my hovercraft — and of the Independence of the United States of America.
George W. Bush